North and South
by SgtPepper592
Summary: At eight years old, Addison Montgomery's world was turned over.  As she grew up, that moment defined how she formed her relationships with her family, her friends, her mentors, her men, and the city that witnessed it all. [Complete]
1. Chapter 1: One Emotion

Disclaimer: I own nothing; anything Grey's related can be credited to Shonda Rhimes, while the story title, chapter title, and lyrics belong to The Clash.

**North and South**

"_Now I know, time can march with its charging feet.  
Now I know, words are only cheap."_

**Chapter 1: One Emotion**

"_All you ever know is your narrow life."_

"Addison Forbes Montgomery!"

That was bad. When her mother used her full name like that, it was always bad. Even at only eight years old, this Addison knew.

"Addison! Where have you been hiding? Your dance class starts in less than an hour, and I don't have times for your games today!"

Noting her mother's serious tone, Addison quickly ran out into the hall where her mother was standing.

"Hurry up and put on your coat and your boots, Addison." Her mother pursed her lips, but refrained from saying anything else.

Her mother hurried her out the door and into the car that took them through the busy Manhattan streets. When they reached the tall building that housed Addison's ballet lessons, the car pulled into the driveway, and stopped to let Addison off. Her mother hardly ever came in with her. She had important appointments that needed to be kept and gatherings that needed to be attended and organized.

Addison climbed out of the car and looked with trepidation at the looming building. For a minute, she considered not going inside, but even she knew better than to skip her class. Her mother would most definitely find out. With this in mind, she went through the revolving glass doors.

* * *

Ballet had been her mother's idea. Everything, from the clothes she wore to the way she spent her time, was her mother's idea. 

According to Clarisse Montgomery, ballet would give Addison grace and posture. It would teach her discipline and mould her into an elegant young lady. It didn't matter that Addison didn't want to be an elegant young lady. What Addison wanted never mattered.

Addison had never been good at being the daughter that her mother wanted. It seemed to her that she and her mother never agreed on anything.

Sometimes, she wondered why her mother even bothered. Addison resisted every attempt that her mother made to refine her. Maybe it was the fact that she was a product of Manhattan, but she'd never been able to sit still. There was always too much going on around her; from the busy streets outside her window to the hustle and bustle inside her house.

Her mother tried though, continually. For every party and function, she dressed Addison up like a china doll. She'd attempt to make Addison sit on a chair for the evening, so as not to ruin her dress and not to muss her beautiful red hair. Addison always ended up playing raucous games in the conservatory with her male cousins. Usually, she'd end up ripping her dress.

Her father, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. Harold Montgomery was a successful ophthalmologist with a private practice. In his eyes, Addison could do no wrong. She was their only child, had come to them late in life, and had inherited her mother's red hair. But he never put his foot down against any of Clarisse's decisions about how Addison should be raised.

Addison had been dancing since she was only three years old. At eight, she knew that she was being groomed for her mother's life. She had spent enough time in the world of high society to understand how these kinds of things worked. The only problem was that Addison knew that she didn't want her mother's life.

Addison wanted to be her father. She wanted to be a doctor. She didn't want to spend her life dancing ballet to make her into the person she most wished she wouldn't become.

* * *

Since she couldn't stay still at any other time, ballet class was no exception. Her teacher would constantly reprimand her for not following instructions. Then her mother, who was always given weekly reports by her teacher, would later remind her why she was taking these classes. And how did she ever expect to become an elegant young lady if she didn't pay attention? 

Today was different, though. Addison was preoccupied. Today, her mother wasn't at a meeting for one of her social groups, or an afternoon tea. During the car ride to her class, she'd begged her mother to tell her where she was going, but her mother wouldn't comply. It was a mystery appointment, and this wasn't the first one. The past months had been full of appointments and hushed conversations between her parents that ended the moment they saw their daughter approaching.

Today, for the first time that she could remember, Addison listened to every word that her teacher told them. She followed every movement with grace and carefully learned the techniques. Her teacher was shocked into silence at the sudden change in Addison's demeanour.

When her mother picked her up a couple hours later, she looked upset. This was soon forgotten as Clarisse spoke to Addison's teacher.

The two of them went back outside and got into her mother's car. However, they didn't go home. Soon, Addison found herself pressing her face up against the pretty Christmas windows in Herald Square. As excited by the falling snow and the Christmas cheer as a child in a candy store, she ran up and down the sidewalk looking at all the displays. For once, her mother forgot her position as Addison's role model and a society lady and let herself enjoy her daughter's excitement. It was a nice change for both of them.

* * *

That year, Christmas came and went just like it did every other year. For Addison, Christmas always meant an endless string of social engagements that needed to be persevered through. Christmas meant frilly dresses and uncomfortable shoes. It meant her Christmas ballet recital. It meant extra classes and rehearsals. 

Addison was never ready for Christmas. The actual holiday was nice. That was something to look forward to. The Christmas season for the Montgomery's however, was definitely not.

* * *

A few weeks after Christmas, Clarisse and Harold sat Addison down in the kitchen. They told her that her mother had brain cancer, and that it was terminal. 

Addison was smart. She was smart for her age, but she didn't know what those words meant. They were scary words, because all she understood was that her mother was dying.

And all of a sudden, the mysterious appointments and hushed conversations made sense to her. Her mother had known for a while that she was dying.

For the first time, Addison sat completely still on her chair, too shocked to move.

**

* * *

A/N: **This is part one of a six part story about Addison. Each chapter is a different phase of her life. Coming up in Chapter 2 are Addison's high school years. It will probably be up within the next week. 

As a side note about this story, when I first started to write it, each of the chapters was themed around a line in the U2 song, "New York". Each chapter has changed a lot since then, but those themes are still there. If anyone knows the song, let me know if you figured out which lyric corresponds to the chapter. Personally, I think this one's pretty obvious :)

Like? Love? Hate? Let me know in a review :)


	2. Chapter 2: Pressure Drop

Disclaimer: I own nothing; anything Grey's related can be credited to Shonda Rhimes, while the story title, chapter title, and lyrics belong to The Clash.

**A/N: **I think the passage of time in this chapter might be a little confusing. To make it easier, I wanted to let you know that the first part and the very end occur before Addison graduates from high school. The rest of it is Addison reflecting on her high school years on the day of her graduation.

**Chapter 2: Pressure Drop**

"_I said when it drops,  
You're going to feel it,  
That you've been doing it wrong."_

The letters were on the table in front of her. Every single one said the same thing.

In the back of her mind, there was that constant, nagging voice telling her what her mother would want her to do. Addison really wished she would shut up.

For once, Addison wanted to make a decision based solely on what she wanted. Not one where she made her decision because she thought that that was what her father wanted her to do. Or one that she made because it was what her mother would have wanted. For the first time in her life, this one was going to be all about Addison.

* * *

Life was undeniably different since her mother's death. She was different. Her father was different. New York had changed, too. The city was always changing.

It had been almost ten years since the day that changed her life. Addison divided her life into two categories: before she found out her mother was dying, and after.

Before, she couldn't say that her life had been a piece of cake, but it definitely had been easier. Even if her mother was always disappointed in her, at least she'd been there. Addison wished that the long ago day had marked a different kind of turning point. She wished that it had been a turning point in their relationship. She wished that her mother had decided that she should make the most of the time she had left with her daughter by becoming the warm, loving, cookie-baking mother who let her daughter enjoy being a little girl. The one who realized that in less than a year, something would happen that would force her little girl to grow up much too fast.

Instead, her mother had used the time she had left to try even harder to mould Addison into the person she wanted her to become.

Sometimes, Addison blamed the way she was on her mother. She knew it was a horrible thing to do to blame the constant conflict in her head on her dead mother. But everything that had happened after, every decision Addison had made, had happened because Addison knew that it was what her mother would have wanted. When she did something that she knew her mother wouldn't have approved of, when she couldn't be the person that her mother had wanted her to become, Addison hated herself. Even more often, she hated her mother for dying, leaving her alone, and forcing Addison to feel that way.

* * *

On the day of her high school graduation, she realized that already she could see her high school years only as a blur. They were a blur of metal braces with brightly coloured elastics, marching around the school field endlessly practicing the trombone with the band, doing countless plies in the open, airy ballet studio, and studying for her classes. She had had only some small semblance of a social life, and far from the blossoming one that her mother had hoped she would have.

She blamed that on the age factor. She thought that was the one thing that had ruined high school; the one thing that had made her just that tiny bit different from everyone else. Before her mother had died, the decision to allow Addison to skip a grade had been the only one that her father had made. Her mother hadn't wanted to allow it, saying that it would make Addison too studious. Maybe she'd been right.

It wasn't like she was disliked by everyone else in her class. After all, she _was_ Addie Montgomery. She had a reputation for being soft-spoken, nice, and quiet. She had friends. When people talked about her, it wasn't like they spread nasty rumours. But it made Addison different. She'd spent her entire life being different, and for once, she just wanted to fit in.

She just wanted to fit somewhere. At home, with only her father now, things were not the way they had been. When her mother was alive, her father had doted on her. He'd let her mother raise her, but he'd always made time for Addison. Now, he was a workaholic who was barely home. When he was, he didn't talk to her. Addison got it, though. She really did. Tall, pale-skinned, red-haired Addison was almost the spitting image of Clarisse. Sometimes, it hurt to look in the mirror because she was reminded of her mother. That must be how her father felt every time he saw her.

She didn't really have much other family. Her father was an only child. Her mother had had siblings, but since she had died, Addison didn't see much of them. There were never any cousins, aunts, or uncles around. Grandparents stopped by occasionally on holidays. Mostly, it was just Addison and Harold alone in their empty house. 

Addison was lonely. She had friends that she saw at school. Sometimes, she went out with them on weekends. Mostly, she focused on school and ballet. She needed an escape.

She'd dated only one boy, a fellow marching band member, in all of high school. Their relationship had lasted for their entire junior year. However, that romance hadn't worked out. Then, her friends had arranged for her to go to prom with Skippy Gold. She'd spent the night hiding in a corner, because even though over ten years of ballet had toughened up her feet, they could only take so much.

* * *

On the morning of her high school graduation, she'd woken up to a sunny New York. Insufferably sunny. Usually, she loved the sun, but today it was in too sharp a contrast to her mood.

She'd debated skipping the ceremony, but her friends had convinced her to go. She wasn't sure why she'd listened to them. After all, they didn't know what it was like to be Addison.

Her friends had families who would be there taking pictures and offering congratulations. Of course, her father was coming. He would smile a smile that didn't quite meet his eyes, offer her congratulations without quite meeting her eyes, and take a picture or two. Addison could see it in her head. She knew that it would be hard. As she did her hair and zipped up the gown, she couldn't quite figure out why she was doing this.

She thought the same thing again as she made her valedictorian speech. Although, maybe that was why. The girl who was named valedictorian couldn't very well skip her own graduation. Not at the last minute anyway.

It was hard though, as she walked across the stage, to see everyone else's mothers clapping. It made her anger at her mother resurface all over again because she wasn't here. Today was a day when Addison might have finally earned her approval.

* * *

Addison had always assumed that after high school, she'd go to a university in New York City. The list of schools located there was seemingly endless: NYU, Columbia, Fordham, Barnard, Pace; it went on and on. Most were perfectly good, even amazing, schools. Hell, one was even an Ivy League. That should have been good enough for her. But when push came to shove, she found herself yearning for a change.

Recently, it had seemed to her that even though the city was always changing, the changes were too small. They were there, but they weren't noticeable. The same thing was happening to her. It was like she and the city were in a sort of dynamic equilibrium. They were both always moving, and little tiny changes were happening, but nothing that anyone who didn't look hard enough would notice.

New York wasn't enough for her right now. She needed to get away from her father, from her mother's memory, from the stigmas of high school; she needed a place where she could start over.

The letters on the table in front of her all said the same thing. They told her that she could go wherever she wanted: north, south, east, west. She could stay in New York City, in New York State, in the Northeast, or she could leave it all behind. In her childhood, she'd yearned for the freedom to make her own decisions. Now, there were just too many choices.

* * *

**A/N:** I want to apologise for the delay in this chapter. I was out of town for a couple days, but I thought that I would be able to get it up before I left. Needless to say, I didn't make it. As a side note however, I drove through a town called Addison on the trip.

A huge thanks goes out to everyone who reviewed the last chapter :) It's definitely easier to write when you know that there are people out there reading. I hope this one lived up to your expectations :)

Chapter 3 fastforwards four years to medical school. It's close to being finished, but realistically, it probably won't be up for a week and a half, maybe closer to two weeks. This is because Saturday marks the arrival of the final Harry Potter book. And I'm a huge Harry Potter fan. I've been reading this series for nearly ten years. After the book comes out, I need to devote some serious time to Harry. I need to read, then I need to digest, and then I need to grieve a little. Sorry guys, but Harry Potter came into my life a long time before Grey's did.

As always, reviews are very much appreciated. Constructive criticism is welcome, too (especially as I'm not overly pleased with how this chapter turned out). And, if you happen to be a U2 fan, play my little game that I described in the last chapter. It'll make me happy :)


	3. Chapter 3: Lose This Skin

**A/N:** In a parallel to the high school chapter, the ending is once again before Addison's medical school graduation (just in case it's confusing).

Disclaimer: I own nothing; anything Grey's related can be credited to Shonda Rhimes, while the story title, chapter title, and lyrics belong to The Clash.

**Chapter 3: Lose This Skin**

"_While we're young and almost free,  
I've got to lose this skin I'm imprisoned in."_

In medical school, Addison Montgomery met Derek Shepherd. In med school, she also met Mark Sloan. Ironically, it was there, in the New York City that she'd left four years earlier that her life finally began to change.

She was from Manhattan, and leaving the city where she'd been born and raised for college had been the most difficult decision of her life. Nearly twenty years later, sitting on a plane flying across the country, Addison would reflect that leaving for the second time wasn't nearly so hard.

Towards the end of her high school career, she'd chosen to go to Georgetown. It had been a difficult decision to make, but at the time Addison had known that she needed the change. She left Manhattan as the high school band geek and returned as the older, sophisticated Addison Forbes Montgomery. She was suddenly thankful for the time she'd spent dancing before college. It had made her graceful. She'd become docile and focused, no longer the wild child that she'd been. It had also given her the ability to walk in heels without thinking twice. New Addison was someone that her mother would have been proud of.

She was Addison Forbes Montgomery when she met Derek Shepherd and Mark Sloan. Together, of course. That day, she'd literally run into Mark on her way to class. She'd been helped up by Derek, and gone on her way. It was later that she found out that they were all students at P&S, and that they all wanted to choose surgery as their specialty.

Derek and Mark weren't the only people she met her first year at P&S, though. Naomi lived on her floor, and had never been to New York before coming to Columbia. As a native New Yorker, Addison felt it her duty to take her under her wing. What she got out of it was one of the few lasting friendships of her life.

Derek and Mark were a different story, though. If she could have chosen, Addison would have picked to befriend only Derek. However, there was no doubt that they were Derek and Mark, and Addison soon realized that it was impossible to know one without the other. So, she put up with Mark and his annoying habit of being an all around pain in the ass.

* * *

"Addison!" Derek called out as he saw her and Naomi leave the line in the cafeteria and start to look for a table. 

Addison waved to Derek and started to walk towards them, pulling Naomi with her. The two of them sat down in the empty seats and greeted the boys.

Naomi immediately started a conversation about the test they'd taken that morning. These days, every time Naomi talked it was either about school or Sam, the new guy she'd just met.

Today, Derek and Mark weren't having any of it.

"Naomi! Please, remember what we've said –"

"We already have to write these once. Do not make us go through them again," Mark patiently finished for Derek.

Naomi chuckled. "Fine, Mark. But I don't see why we can't talk about it. Just because you never seem to be fazed by anything doesn't mean that we're all like that."

"Au contraire, Naomi. Mark does worry. He just doesn't show it because it would ruin his image," explained Addison, sticking her tongue out at Mark.

"And we wouldn't want that, would we, Addie? We're all painfully aware of how much you love my image."

In response, Addison chucked a grape across the table at him.

"Okay, okay," Derek broke in. "Mark, can you stop hitting on my girlfriend for one second, please? And Addison, you could act your age."

Addison only looked at him. Then, she threw a grape at him, too. Derek laughed, and soon, all four of them were throwing food at each other. So much for acting like the esteemed doctors they would soon become.

* * *

After meeting Naomi, Mark, and Derek, Addison knew that coming back to New York had been the right decision. The only problem with it was that she now had to deal with her father on a much more regular basis. 

Harold Montgomery was exhausting. It was obvious to all but him that he saw Addison only out of obligation. They'd spent too many years alone to be able to still connect with each other.

However, for nearly every time that Addison had to put up with her own father, she got to see Derek's family. It seemed to her that they were, in every way, the opposite of her own. Derek's father had died when he was young, just like Addison's mother, but instead of becoming distant and withdrawn, his mother had pulled them all together. Derek also had sisters, something Addison had always wanted. There were five children in the Shepherd family: four girls with Derek right in the middle. Two of them were completing their residencies, one was doing her undergrad, and the other was just finishing high school.

Derek's warm and loving family took Addison in right from the start. It was a rest to be with a family who didn't hold a grudge against her for having her mother's red hair. At first, Addison thought that she'd feel like the odd one out, as the only non-Shepherd at most family gatherings, but she very quickly realized that she wasn't the only one. Mark Sloan was an honorary member of Derek's family. He had known Derek for such a long time that Derek's family was his own.

* * *

Soon, holidays were spent primarily with the Shepherds. The exceptions came in their final year of medical school. As they got busier and busier studying for both their final exams and their ever looming medical boards, Addison, Derek, Mark, Naomi, and often Sam, spent ever increasing amounts of time studying together. Holidays were not exempt to this. 

Most of the others complained that they were spending their vacations studying, but Addison wasn't really sure that she minded. As much as she loved Derek's family, she always felt a tiny bit guilty about leaving her father alone. A part of her wanted her and her father to fix their relationship, and she knew that it would never get better if she wasn't the one to try. Maybe it was beyond repair already.

She also felt a tiny bit guilty about invading the Shepherd family holidays. Derek, Mark, and the rest of the Shepherds had reassured her countless times that they enjoyed her presence, but Addison still felt like she was intruding on someone else's holiday.

When she found herself eating cold, congealed Chinese food on the floor of the living room belonging to the apartment that Derek and Mark shared, Addison was happy. She didn't care that it was Thanksgiving and that if her mother were alive she'd have a fit seeing Addison like that. Usually, what her mother would have thought controlled her life. Today, all that mattered to Addison was successfully memorizing the symptoms of pesticide poisoning. Maybe she was finally moving on.

* * *

On the day of her graduation from medical school, it was pouring rain. Addison woke up that morning and groaned, knowing the kind of havoc that it could wreak on her hair. She resolved that it wasn't going to bother her though. She was going to get up and meet her friends for breakfast like they'd planned. She was going to go to the ceremony this time and really smile. 

And smile she did as she walked across the stage. Derek's family clapped and waved, snapping pictures. Her gaze went instead to her father, sitting on the other side of the hall. He was as stony faced as ever.

* * *

As much as Addison had hated leaving New York, she'd also returned with some trepidation. There was that saying that you could never really go home again. After four years at Columbia, Addison realized that it was true. The home she had now in New York was not the one that she had left eight years earlier. Now, as she filled in and filed the applications for her residency match, she knew that it would be ten times harder to leave. The people that she'd met here had defined her. Addison was finally a person that she was happy with. She was finally being herself.

She'd given up dancing because it had never been what she'd wanted. That had been what her mother had wanted.

She'd chosen to specialize in surgery even though her father had told her to study family medicine. Surgery was too hardcore, he'd said. Or, that was how Addison had interpreted it. Then he asked if this was about her mother and Addison replied that she had no intentions of specializing in neurology.

She was going to marry Derek Shepherd. That was another sore point with her father. That no longer bothered her because she was no longer the teenager who needed his approval. She had made her own family now. When she graduated, it might get a little smaller. But in a few months, it was going to get a lot bigger.

New York was where her life had begun. It was where her mother's had ended. It was where her family had fallen apart.

New York was also where Addison finally grew up. It was where she made the real, life-long friends that mattered. It was the only place where she felt at home.

Addison knew that this time, as the next phase of her life began, she couldn't give it up.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm very, very sorry for the longer than expected wait for this chapter! Like any good Harry Potter fan, I got a little bit caught up in the Book Seven craze. However, coming out of it, I realized that I have to sit my ARCT exam in (gasp!) two weeks. So, I wanted to make sure I got this chapter up before I started practicing in earnest. It's bad news for this story though because I've hardly even started writing the next chapter. However, I do have to take breaks because you'd have to be a robot not to, so I am planning on working on Chapter Four at least a little bit before my exam. I can say with certainty though that it won't be up until after my exam is over. Sorry that I've kept you waiting for every chapter so far, but I promise that after I get Four out, it's smooth sailing until the end. The rest is already written and I have a pretty free two weeks after my exam before I go back to school.

Sorry for this long A/N again. Anyway, coming up in Chapter Four will be Addison and Derek's residency.

Thanks as always for the great reviews. You guys rock:)


	4. Chapter 4: Lover's Rock

**A/N:** Has anyone ever noticed that the Grey's backstory plot timeline is very inconsistent? I didn't until I tried to write this. So, for the purposes of this story, Richard's fellowship lasted more than one year (in my research I found that they're at least one year). I've also come to the conclusion that the only Maya (Naomi and Sam's daughter) can be as old as she looks is for her to have been born while they were in med school, which doesn't seem too plausible and I've already overlooked. I'm making her about ten or eleven here.

Disclaimer: I own nothing; anything Grey's related can be credited to Shonda Rhimes, while the story title, chapter title, and lyrics belong to The Clash.

**Chapter 4: Lover's Rock**

"_Yeah, you must treat your lover girl right,  
If you wanna make lover's rock."_

The day their internships started at Mount Sinai, it was sweltering. She and Derek had come back from their honeymoon to find New York under a heat wave. Growing up there, one would think that Addison would be used to a Manhattan summer. She wasn't, although now that she worked forty-eight hour shifts, she didn't have too much time to dwell on the insufferable heat.

She wasn't the only one suffering either. The doctor she'd been assigned to intern under was from Seattle. Seattle had a moderate climate; warm winters, cool summers, lots of rain. Richard Webber had just finished his residency there, and was now doing his fellowship at Mount Sinai. It was obvious to Addison that he was definitely feeling the heat. In more ways than one.

Heat made people crabby. It made them do things they wouldn't normally do.

Mark was a prime example of this. The summer that their internships started, he tried to have an actual relationship with a girl. Case in point.

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd?" Adele Webber asked as she approached the space where Addison sat hunched over on the staircase. Addison silently cursed herself for choosing a place to fall apart that wasn't behind the red line that kept non-hospital personnel out.

Then again, it was hospital personnel that she was trying to avoid. Adele Webber however, came in as a close second.

"Mrs. Webber," Addison acknowledged, sniffling.

"How many times have I told you to call me Adele, Addison?" She chided gently, taking a seat next to Addison and handing her a tissue.

Addison took it and wiped her eyes. "Why are you here so late?"

"Why else?" Adele sighed. "I'm looking for Richard."

"You've just missed him. He left about an hour ago."

Adele sighed more deeply, knowing where she'd find her husband. "That's what I was afraid of. But since I've missed him, why don't we talk about what's got you so upset."

"It's nothing, really, Adele. I'm fine."

"You're not fine if you're crying in a stairwell, Addison," insisted Adele.

"It's silly, really. It's just that I lost a patient earlier today. A baby."

"A child died. It's not silly to feel upset because of that."

"You don't understand, Adele. I'm a surgeon. We're not supposed to feel things like this, we're supposed to be used to it. Dr. Webber keeps telling me that I need to learn distance. I can't, though. Not when I know what the other side is like. I know what it is to be the one waiting; the one hoping; the one receiving the bad news."

Adele was silent for a minute. She didn't know Addison Shepherd all that well. She'd been her husband's intern for a little under a year. Adele almost always spoke to her while she was at the hospital, but that was all.

However, Adele was an observant person. She picked up on things that most others wouldn't. She knew that her husband had had an affair with another doctor in Seattle. She knew that Ellis Grey had left him. She knew that he was drinking more and more, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. She'd also figured out a lot about Addison. This however, was a new side of her. It wasn't often that she was openly vulnerable.

Carefully, she spoke, "Sometimes, I wonder about you surgeons. I wonder if you're more machine than man. Feeling those things, Addison, isn't a weakness. It's part of being human."

Addison never answered. Adele took that as her cue to leave. "I'm going to go home and see if Richard's there. Goodnight, Addison."

Adele rose from the stair and walked towards the door. Addison nodded in acknowledgement.

Adele was wrong, she thought. It was a weakness for a surgeon to show these kinds of feelings. She realised that she needed to learn distance to be the doctor that she wanted to be. That didn't mean that she had to forgive Richard Webber for putting her through what he had though.

* * *

Addison slumped into a chair in the lobby. It had been a very long day. Sometimes, she wondered what the difference between being an intern and a first year resident was.

Looking down at her watch, she wondered where Derek was. She was already late meeting him, and she assumed that he'd be waiting for her. He had been scrubbed in on a surgery though, and it had probably gone longer than expected. She mentally reprimanded herself for not checking the board before she left.

A couple of minutes later, there was a debate raging in Addison's head over whether or not to pick herself up and get a cup of coffee. On one hand, she wanted to go straight to sleep when she got home. On the other, she didn't think she'd make it through the subway ride there without one. At that moment, the question was solved for her by the sound of someone calling her name.

Looking towards the elevator, she saw her husband approaching her with two steaming cups of coffee. Sinking into the hard plastic chair next to her, he passed her one.

"Thanks," Addison said gratefully.

"It's been a long day," Derek replied. "Sorry for being late; I was scrubbed in on a bowel resection."

"Fun," Addison answered, "Don't worry though, I was late, too. Emergency C-Section."

The two of them sat there sipping their coffees in silence for a moment before Derek changed the subject.

"My mom called today."

"What did she want?"

"She wanted to know what we were doing for the Fourth. She's taking Kath up to Connecticut. Nancy's having a barbeque. She asked if we wanted to join them. I told her that I'd check with you."

"Do we know if we're working yet?"

"No idea, but it's a national holiday, some of us will get the day off."

"I'm not sure. Family gatherings and fireworks equal surgeries. Lots of them." Addison took the final sip of her coffee before replying to Derek's original question. "But if we have the day off, tell your mom that we'll go. It's been a while since we've seen Nancy, hasn't it?"

"Yeah, it has." Derek finished his coffee, too, and stood up, offering her his hand. "Dinner?"

"All I want to do right now is sleep," answered Addison, standing up and lacing her fingers through his.

Derek smiled. "I was hoping you'd say that."

Together, they left the hospital and their way into the dark night and back to their apartment.

* * *

One of the many downfalls of residency was The Match. Fortunately, Addison and Derek had both matched to the same hospital, while Mark was still in New York. Naomi and Sam, however, were not.

"Are you fat yet?"

"I don't believe I've ever heard a nicer greeting, Addison." Naomi laughed over the phone.

"It's a valid question. You get married, you get pregnant, and then you get fat."

* * *

As time went on, life as a resident calmed down. Maybe they just got used to it. They chose specialties; Addison in neonatal while Derek picked neuro. They tried to spend as much time as possible visiting Derek's mother, who seemed lonely now that none of Derek's sisters lived in the city, the youngest having recently moved away for college. Addison still saw her father, too, though their relationship became more and more frustrating as he aged.

"Dad?" Addison called out as she entered the house.

Her father's soft reply came from the back of the house. "In the kitchen, Addie."

He always spoke in a soft voice. Her mother had had such a commanding presence that he'd never felt the need to be anything more than soft-spoken. That habit hadn't diminished over the years.

"How are you, Addison?" he asked, taking a sip of his coffee as he watched her walk into the room from where he sat at the table.

Addison reached into the cupboard to get herself a mug and poured herself a cup before answering, "I'm fine."

"How's work?"

She took a seat at the table. "The hospital is good. It's busy though. I've only got the morning off today."

"Being busy isn't a bad thing, Addie. Everyone keeps telling me that it's time I should think about retirement, but I honestly don't know what I would do in this big house all by myself."

"They might be right, Dad. You wouldn't have to stay here, anyway. You could sell the house."

"I can't do that, Addie." Her father looked up at her and smiled a sad smile. "Your mother loved this house."

"I know she did. But she's dead. She died twenty years ago," Addison reminded her father. Speaking gently, she continued, "It might be time to move on."

Harold didn't answer. He never did when she said something like that.

* * *

Being in a hospital all the time made Addison wonder things, especially during lonely nights spent on call. Most often, she wondered why every surgeon, resident, fellow, or attending, that she'd met seemed to come with some kind of emotional baggage; each one had emotional scarring.

She and Derek both did. Mark did, too. The group that she had interned with all seemed to come from dysfunctional families or had more than the common issues with their parents or siblings. She'd spent a lot of time with them and had heard them talk about their families often enough. However, she'd also spent a lot of time with Richard Webber, and his past remained a mystery.

In her intern year, he had decided that Addison needed to learn distance. To prove this to her, he had assigned her to an infant patient whom he knew was dying. After she had found out, she had been angry with him for nearly a year. Once forgiving him though, she'd found both a mentor and a friend.

Now, three years later, he was finished his fellowship and leaving New York to move back to Seattle. As an intern, Addison would never have dreamed that she would be this sad to see him go. Nevertheless, it was with a heavy heart that she spent her break sitting in a conference room talking to him on his last day at the hospital.

"Which hospital is it that you're going to?" questioned Addison, taking a bite of her apple.

Richard looked up from the notes on the case he was poring over. "Seattle Grace. It's where I did my residency."

"You know, I left New York to go to college, but I can't even imagine doing it again."

"You're a New Yorker, Addison, but I'm not married to this place. For one, I can't stand the climate. Adele misses her family and I miss that hospital."

"It's okay, Richard. You don't have to explain yourself. I never thought that you'd stay here forever. In fact, there was a time when I hoped that you wouldn't."

Richard looked at her solemnly. "It made you a better doctor, Addison."

"I know that I needed to learn distance." There was a pause before Addison continued. "The reason I didn't…it was my mom. She died when I was a little kid."

In the past, she'd found this a difficult topic. She'd never really told anyone how she had died. But Addison found that once she started, the words just kept coming.

"She had brain cancer," she continued. "It was terminal, but there was a surgery that she could have to remove some of the tumour to give her more time. But she died on the table."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Addison."

Addison shrugged. "It was a long time ago. When my patients die though, I can't help thinking about their families."

"Compassion isn't a bad thing. However, there is a line between feeling remorse and becoming too involved with patients." Richard once again surveyed her over the frames of his glasses.

"I know that now. I'm not trying to defend who I was then, Richard. I know that I'm a better surgeon now for it."

Richard nodded and went back to the notes in front of him while Addison continued to munch on her snack.

After a while, she voiced something that had been bothering her for a long time.

"I wonder why I was drawn to surgery. Why is it that almost every surgeon had problems in their childhood?"

At that moment, Addison's pager beeped, summoning her to a patient's bedside.

She got up to leave and Richard spoke, "I'll try to find you before I leave today, but take care, Addison. And say goodbye to Derek for me."

Addison nodded and made her way to the door. She'd already said her thank yous and she hated goodbyes.

Before she left though, Richard spoke again.

"And Addison? Maybe it's because we feel the need to fix others since we can't fix ourselves."

* * *

Addison was sitting in the kitchen of the apartment with every window open and a fan on the table in front of her. It was July, and it was hot. It wasn't as hot as it had been the summer that she and Derek had gotten married, but it was hot enough to cause discomfort.

One would have thought that it would cool down a little at night, but a breeze was not to be had in the city as heat and humidity weighed down on its inhabitants.

Not only was Addison trying to cool off, but she was also waiting up for Derek. He should have been home hours ago.

A knock startled her and interrupted her thoughts and worries. It was odd, she thought, getting up to answer the door. There weren't many people who came over at all, as neither of the them were home very often, and the only ones who would be calling at night had their own keys. All except for Savvy, but she and Weiss were out of town for the weekend.

Addison looked through the peephole and saw Mark, unable to unlock the door himself because he was awkwardly carrying two large fans.

Addison opened the door.

"Hey, Addie!"

Addison gestured questioningly towards the fans.

"I thought they might help. I figured that four fans in one apartment was better than two in each. Although, now I have to sleep on in your guest room because my apartment is unbearably hot without them," explained Mark sheepishly.

She smiled and shook her head in disbelief.

"Where's Derek?"

"He's still at the hospital."

"He told me he was getting off at four today."

"He did," replied Addison.

Mark frowned at Addison's tone of voice. "Maybe it's nostalgia. You know, our residencies are almost done, and he's not doing his fellowship there, so maybe he's a little bit sad to leave."

Addison only looked at him in response.

"Well, it's Derek," Mark said, rubbing his head, "and you never know with that boy."

He took one of the fans into a bedroom to set it up. Addison sat down on the couch, sharply noticing the absence of the fan blowing directly at her face.

"When is this heat wave going to break?" called Mark from the bedroom.

"No idea. Turn the weather channel on and find out for yourself."

"Wow, heat makes you crabby. But I was thinking, these clothes are making me even hotter. Wouldn't it help if we walked around nude?"

"You go right ahead, Mark."

Mark poked his head out of the room. "I'm going to tell Derek you said that."

Addison rolled her eyes at him.

"What are you, Addison? Twelve?"

"This from the man who just tried to get me to take my clothes off claiming that it was to help with the heat. I don't think that you're one to talk about maturity, Sloan."

"But you're Addison and I'm Mark."

She didn't even bother to respond. Instead, Addison got up and went back to the kitchen and the relative comfort provided by her fan.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter. It was very difficult to write, it's very different from the rest of the chapters, and I think it's a little too choppy. This chapter also wasn't edited as obsessively as the other ones. I'm leaving tomorrow for a couple of days, and I really wanted to get this up before I left because what with my exam and the writer's block, it's already been over two weeks. So, as usual, let me know what you think, especially since this chapter is done a little bit differently than the rest.

Thank you to all who reviewed the last chapter! Your reviews make me very happy :)


	5. Chapter 5: Lightening Strikes

Disclaimer: I own nothing; anything Grey's related can be credited to Shonda Rhimes, while the story title, chapter title, and lyrics belong to The Clash. Some of the dialogue was borrowed from _Time Has Come Today_, Episode 3.01.

**Chapter 5: Lightning Strikes (Not Once But Twice)**

"_I'll see y'all when the lightning strikes.  
A Polaroid, caught in the act."_

Before her mother had died, her parents had been married for eleven years. They'd spent eleven birthdays together, eleven Christmases as a family.

Maybe because her mother hadn't lived to do it, Addison didn't know how to act as a wife once that eleventh year was up.

Or maybe it was just a cry for attention; a way to make Derek finally see her again.

* * *

Addison sat in the kitchen of the brownstone that she and Derek shared nursing a hot cup of tea. It was one of those nights. The sky had opened up and rain was battering the roofs of Manhattan. Thunder crashed and lightning split the sky.

When she heard a key slide into the lock and the front door open, she was grateful that Derek had come home early. It was the kind of night where you wanted to know that the people you loved were home, safe and sound.

It wasn't Derek, though. Derek always put his coat and shoes away in the closet. Addison didn't hear the sound of the squeaky closet door protesting as it was opened. That meant it was Mark, come to check up on Addison once again. It was always Mark.

Mark was still Derek's best friend, but he was Addison's now, too. He was the one person who was always there when her husband wasn't.

By the time Mark had hung his no doubt soaking wet coat on the banister and taken his shoes off, Addison was already at the stove putting the kettle back on. They had a routine. Addison drank peppermint tea while Mark preferred chai. Sometimes, she wondered if it was abnormal to know this about your husband's best friend. Most of the time, she was grateful that she had this human connection with someone.

Usually, they drank their tea in silence. She never complained to him about Derek's absence. Mark was around to see everything. Addison understood that he knew what their marriage had become, but it was never spoken of. To Addison, it would mean admitting that she and Derek hadn't made it. To Mark, it would mean betraying his best friend's flaws to his wife. But there was a mutual understanding that existed between the two.

In her head, she knew that she was good at being ignored. She'd spent her formative years living in that huge, empty house without her father's love or attention. In some horrible way, she was used to this. Recently, she'd been seeing herself once again as that lonely teenager, and it wasn't a feeling that she relished.

Addison was different now though, and in some subconscious way that she wasn't even aware of, this time she wanted to hurt him back.

Like a naïve schoolgirl, she instead believed that she really was attracted to Mark; that in the years since Derek's job had begun to take precedence over their marriage, she'd begun to fall in love with him.

So when she leaned across the table to kiss him, she really made herself believe that it felt right.

For a while, they were blissfully ignorant to the consequences of what they were doing.

For right now, only Addison and Mark existed. They could deal with the fallout later.

But later came sooner than either of them expected. For the second time that night, Addison clearly heard the front door squeak open.

Then, her world exploded.

* * *

"Derek, Derek, listen to me. Derek, you can't do this, Derek! Derek, we have to, we have to talk about this! You have to give me a chance to explain!" Addison begged as she stood in their bedroom. Mark was gone. Derek was going to the closet and grabbing her things. They might all be alone soon enough. But Addison was going to do everything she could to stop it from happening; to stop their marriage from ending; to stop her stupid mistake from ruining eleven years of commitment.

She was frantic. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to say to him. But she couldn't stand his silence. So she talked. She tried, however feverishly, to explain herself. She chased after him as she started to walk down the stairs with her clothes.

"What are you doing? What are you doing with my clothes, Derek? It was one time! I know that's what people say. I know that's what always gets said. It was just – I don't even know how it happened, I don't even know what I was thinking. It was just – he was just here! He was just here!"

"You screw my best friend, and all you can say is, "He was just here,"? Get out," Derek spat. He was almost deathly calm about it all. Addison, on the other hand, was almost hysterical.

But she was going to stand her ground. She wasn't going to let him throw it all away.

"No."

"Get out." He opened the door and threw her clothes onto the steps.

"No, no, I'm not going! We have to talk about this."

"Get out of my house now!"

Addison stayed on the staircase. She grabbed the railing for support and curled into a ball. She wasn't going to give in so easily.

"No, no! I'm holding my ground! I'm holding my ground! We don't quit! We have to work this out!"

Neither was Derek.

"Get out."

Derek left his spot at the doorway. He quickly moved to the bottom of the staircase, ready to forcibly move her.

"What are you doing? Derek, no!"

The next thing Addison knew, the door was between her and Derek. She was outside on their porch in the rain, wearing only Derek's black CBGB t-shirt. She was sobbing now, and she begged Derek to let her in; to let her explain.

For a moment, he leaned against the door. Neither one of them moved. And then, the door opened.

Thinking that this was the chance Addison had been waiting for, she apologised.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you have to give me a chance. You have to give me a chance to show you how sorry I am." For a moment, Derek let Addison embrace him.

But he pushed her away. He turned around and softly shut the open door, running a tired hand through his hair.

"I'm going to go. You stay. I'll get my clothes in the morning."

All Addison could see was her chance slipping away. She didn't want to let go of it.

"No, no, no, no, no, no. We can survive this. Derek, we can survive this. We're – we're Addison and Derek."

"I can't look at you. I look at you and I feel nauseous. I just…We're not Derek and Addison anymore." Derek replied.

"If you go now – if you go now, we are not going to get through this. If you go now, we don't have a chance. We don't have a chance! If you go now, if you go..."

Derek only turned around and disappeared into the stormy night.

The door slammed and Addison sank down onto the staircase and sobbed. So much for knowing where the people you love are.

* * *

For a week, Addison didn't know where he'd gone. She worried and she fretted, and she almost made herself sick. She called him and left countless messages on his voicemail.

A week after leaving, he called. She was in surgery and couldn't answer.

Addison didn't really think it mattered, though. He probably wouldn't have talked to her.

The message was short. All he said was that he was in Seattle working for Richard. And that he didn't want to talk to her ever again. He made that completely clear.

The next day, Addison found herself at the hair salon, asking them to dye her hair blonde. Derek had gone to Seattle to forget about her – to forget about _them_. Addison was going to go blonde. Hey, everyone coped in different ways, right? 

Her red hair had always had an impact on her life. As a little girl, she didn't understand the uniqueness of being a redhead. When she grew up, it was her looks that had played a part in alienating her father. Her mother had tried to teach her to embrace her it. It made her stand out. She tried, for her. She used it to her advantage. The red hair was a defining characteristic of Addison.

She didn't want to be Addison anymore.

New blonde Addison went home to the brownstone. All it took was an accidental glance in the bathroom mirror, and she knew she couldn't stay here. She couldn't stay at their house knowing that Derek was in Seattle without her. She packed up some things and softly shut the door behind her. 

She stood on the porch, not knowing where to go.

They had a house in the Hamptons. Addison loved it. She loved the view. But she had surgeries scheduled. She couldn't just take off.

Her father still lived in Manhattan, in the same house Addison had grown up in. He really hadn't ever moved on. She could go there. Going back to that house always meant that she was met with memories of her mother, and of her emotionally deficient childhood. Knowing what she'd just lost, she wasn't sure she could take it right now.

She had friends she could stay with. They would let her. They would worry about her. They would make sure that she was okay. Addison couldn't take their kind words right now, though. There was only one other person who knew how broken she was.

Twenty minutes later, she was knocking on Mark's door. She wasn't sure what she wanted from him. All she knew was that they'd both lost a lot that night. Maybe right now, they just needed each other.

* * *

Two months later, Addison found herself at the airport. All it took for her to realise how wrong everything was were a positive pregnancy test, her due date circled in red, a Yankees onesie, and a guilt-ridden trip to the family planning clinic. Add that to a well-timed call from Richard Webber, and she had every reason she needed to follow him to Seattle.

As her plane took off from LaGuardia, Addison looked down on the city that had witnessed it all. It had watched her mother die, watched Addison grow up alone, fall in love, get married, and lose everything.

As she watched New York recede into the distance, she thought about the painful deliberation that it had taken to leave Manhattan for college. This time, it was an easy decision.

Maybe that's what love was. Or maybe she was just running away.

* * *

**A/N:** This chapter is brought to you earlier than expected by Mathias, the mouse that ruined my vacation and drove me home early. I hope you all enjoyed it :)

There's only one more chapter to go, and I've promised myself that I'm going to try to get it up before I leave for school. However, if I don't make it, it'll be posted on Labour Day when I get my computer and internet set up.

Thank you to those who reviewed the last chapter. In the meantime, I hope that everyone celebrating one has a wonderful long weekend :)


	6. Chapter 6: Gates of the West

**A/N:** We have reached the end. I'd like to send out a huge thank you to anyone who's read this story and made it to the end. All of my reviewers also deserve a very large thanks :) You guys have been wonderful, and have helped to shape both this story and my writing. This is my first multi-chapter story, so I can't thank you enough for that.

This chapter is a little bit shorter than the rest, which is because it only ties the story in with what happens in the show. I hope you all enjoy it :)

Disclaimer: I own nothing; anything Grey's related can be credited to Shonda Rhimes, while the story title, chapter title, and lyrics belong to The Clash.

**Chapter 6: Gates of the West**

"_Not many make it this far and many say we're great,  
But just like them we walk on and we can't escape our fate.  
__They say they needed something new,  
So I'm standing at the gates of the west."_

Words were cheap. It had taken Addison almost forty years to realise this. Now that she knew, she wished that she had come to this conclusion years earlier. It might have saved her some heartache.

Heartache had been in no short supply this year. More had happened to her, more changes had taken place in her life than had happened almost since she and Derek had gotten married.

A year ago, she never would have guessed that she'd be here, driving down the highway on her way to L.A. She would have said that she'd still be in the same place: back in New York, watching her marriage to Derek slowly crumble. Her brief affair with Mark had catapulted all three of them into a strange world where everything they thought that they knew was shifted.

In this new world, words became cheaper than ever before. Derek could say that he'd chosen her; he could say it all he wanted. But just because he said it didn't make it mean anything. What meant something were the words that weren't spoken between him and Meredith Grey.

She could say that she'd give Mark a chance. They could make all the bets they wanted. What mattered were the words that weren't spoken between herself and Alex Karev. What mattered was the silent understanding between her and Mark that they really weren't meant for each other.

The only words that she really did believe mattered were those that Richard Webber spoke to her. She believed that he'd been the only person who'd been really honest with her.

He'd told her to move to Seattle for herself; not for him, and not for Derek. He'd told her that if she needed chief to give her life a purpose, then she either needed a new job or a new life.

With all of the cheap words that had been thrown at her in the last year, Addison had learned to appreciate the value of honesty. It had led Addison to the conclusion that she really did need a new life.

The trip to Los Angeles that she'd taken a few weeks ago had shown her what that new life could be.

* * *

In that new life, she needed to learn how to be just Addison. Even though it had been months since her divorce was finalised, and years since her marriage had really been over, she wasn't quite sure how to be in a world where Addison and Derek no longer existed.

Another thing that her life had taught her was that she wasn't good at being alone. It wasn't that she wasn't independent. She was fiercely independent. She just wasn't good at being alone and happy.

That came mostly from her family. Her mother had died before she'd turned ten. Her father had all but stopped loving her. Addison had suddenly found herself having to figure out how to grow up alone and lonely. She'd been starved for love. It was the only definition of alone that she knew.

It was the reason that she hadn't done anything to change the state of her marriage when it had begun to fall apart. Anything that she'd done could have caused it to end faster. Addison was afraid of going back to that place where she'd been before she'd grown up, moved past her mother's death, and finally let herself just be.

Just being hadn't included just being alone though.

Alone wasn't a feeling that she relished.

It had been the same after her mother had died. Her teen years had been even more awkward than most because she didn't know how to exist in the world that she'd found herself in. The only thing that had allowed her to move on was moving. Leaving New York for college had been the best decision that she'd ever made.

That change was what she needed now.

* * *

Seattle didn't suit her. The constant rain made her hair a ball of frizz in the mornings. She'd never been one for umbrellas, but the lack of umbrellas in Seattle caused her even more distress. Working with both her ex-husband and his ex-best friend gave a degree of discomfort to her days that outmatched even the constant pounding of rain on the roofs. Sometimes, she wondered what had possessed her to choose this life. More and more, she'd been wondering why she didn't choose something different.

Addison was a native New Yorker. Most hated it for its busyness, its traffic congestion, its dirt and grime, and its pollution. Addison loved it for its opportunity.

Every day it gave her choices that she relished because she hadn't had them growing up. Yes, she'd had the best of everything; the best education and the best opportunity. But that was exactly the problem. Having the best of something meant that you didn't get to choose something worse.

As an adult, New York let her make choices. It let her choose to walk to her practice, take the subway, a cab, or drive. If she really wanted to, she could take the ferry all the way to Staten Island and back before going to work.

There were a million other things that she was homesick for, too. Seattle ferryboats were not the same as New York ones. You couldn't see the Statue of Liberty on the Bainbridge ferry.

Seattle was Derek. Addison had to constantly remind herself that what was Derek didn't have to be what was Addison anymore. She needed a city that was better suited to her.

Her life had been one constant up and down journey. It had been defined by polar opposites.

Addison needed to get away from the things that had defined her life for forty years.

Los Angeles was a welcome middle ground. It was New York, but not. It was just enough Derek to remind her of her past. It was a lot Addison, making it a place where she could figure out how to be herself, by herself.

That middle ground was exactly what she needed.


End file.
